New beginnings

I can't sleep, so I figured that now is as good a time as any to write a post for my blog. So here I am... in my flannel pyjamas, sitting on my bed on my flannel sheets (hmm... maybe flannel really is the way to my heart), my laptop on my lap, and trying to figure out where to begin.

I think that this post is going to be about new beginnings, which is something of a revelation that God showed me recently. I'm not quite sure why it took me eight months to figure this out, but somehow it did. To roughly quote Chef Gusteau in the movie "Ratatouille", "if you keep looking back to what you've left behind, you'll never see what's ahead." Remarkable wisdom from an apparition that gives advice to a rat... and it's actually true!

How often do we, or maybe it's just me, look back on times past and long for those times to be the present again, as if somehow life would only be easier or better if ... ? The ironic thing about looking back on the past is that our view is tainted and we only see what we want to see. Yet we can still manage to compare the two and see one as better than the other. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? But does it have to be, or is that simply a matter of our perspective?

It probably doesn't come as a surprise to anyone that moving to Montreal was a new beginning for me, but I still somehow managed to not get that until about two weeks ago. That might sound bizarre considering that I was the one who left my life in Victoria to start a new one in Montreal, but let me explain.

After a very poignant conversation in Starbucks one day, I came home to realize that I needed to see Montreal with a new perspective. When I looked back on the previous eight months of my life, I realized that I had spent a lot of time asking God a lot of "why" questions. I think that I was asking the wrong questions, because I didn't get many answers... until that conversation.

As anyone who has moved from one city, province, or country to another will know, the truth about new beginnings is that they aren't easy. All of a sudden, absolutely everything is different and nothing is comfortable. To be honest, I like comfort and I have realized that I struggle with change, especially big changes. I can handle little changes, but big changes have this way of making me uncomfortable. As you can then imagine, the last eight months have been a rather uncomfortable time for me. I think that has been the point, because it's shaken me, in a good way.

Life in Victoria was comfortable in every possible way. To describe my life in part, I was a part of a large, thriving church that was my family and my community, I had very good friends that I spent a lot of time with, I had a good job that I loved and my work was highly respected, I lived in a great house right by the ocean, I knew the city like the back of my hand, and I'm sure the list could go on if I chose to continue. But all of that became a thing of the past the day that I moved.

Life in Montreal is now very different, but I think that I somehow expected it to be the same as it was in Victoria, which was probably the cause of most of my struggles and "why" questions. My church, community, friendships, job situation, home, and familiarity with the city are all new and different. The reality is that it takes time for all of those things to develop and grow and I need to be okay with that fact. I need to embrace the change and uncomfortableness, instead of somehow unconsciously resenting it.

I know that might not sound like a ground shaking revelation, but it was to me. Like Chef Gusteau said, "if you keep looking back to what you've left behind, you'll never see what's ahead." I think that it's time that I stop looking backwards and turn around so that I can see where I am going.

The other revelation that came out of that Starbucks conversation was one of identity. Do you ever think about what defines you? I never did, until I felt like I didn't know what it was anymore. In Victoria, I unconsciously defined myself by my church, my friends, and my job, amongst other things. Imagine my surprise to realize that I was having a bit of an identity crisis... can someone please tell me who I am, because I don't know anymore!

I remember someone suggesting that I read the first three chapters of the book of Ephesians because it's all about our identity in Christ. I'd read it before, although it obviously didn't register, so I read it again ... and again ... and again, even in different translations of the Bible, and I still didn't get it. It was just a bunch of words that somehow lacked meaning, until one night last week.

To make a long story short, God told me to read it. When I said "but", He said something to the extent that I'd understand it this time. So I read it and the words were jumping off of the page at me. It was more than just a jumble of words, but the words had meaning for my life. It was then that I realized that my identity cannot come from the fleeting things of this world because they are just that... fleeting and ever changing.

It's been quite an intense couple of weeks with all that God has shown me about new beginnings and my identity. I feel free from the struggles of the past eight months. I feel like a little child again, but that's okay... thankfully Jesus welcomes those who come to Him as children. I have never felt so weak, but God's strength and power can only be perfected in my weakness. And His grace is always sufficient.