Sunday and Monday are Hal's days off of work, so those two days are restful and relaxing and seem to involve a lot of sleeping. Hal experiments with new recipes and we are able to eat meals together, we go for long walks in our neighborhood, we watch church online, we join our church family for a Zoom chat on Monday evenings, we make a big bowl of stove-top popcorn and watch our favorites shows. Most importantly, no matter what we do, for those two days we avoid going shopping or anywhere else there will be lots of people. We rest and spend time with each other and, by Monday evening, the stress from the previous week has faded away and I am relaxed.
Then comes Tuesday. First, Tuesday means that it is laundry day for us and for our elderly neighbor, which requires arming myself with a face mask and disinfectant wipes for the numerous trips up and down to the communal laundry room in our apartment building. Second, Tuesday means that Hal is going back to work and that the routine we've established for when Hal comes home from work each day begins again, along with the uncertainty of what he is coming into contact with every moment that he is taking public transit to and from work and while he is working at a busy pharmacy. Third, Tuesday means that the grocery shopping days for us and for our elderly neighbors will soon be here again, along with all that they entail.
I have noticed during the past two weeks that there is a marked difference between Monday and Tuesday.
On Monday, I am relaxed.
On Tuesday, my stress and anxiety levels increase sharply.
Tuesdays are becoming really difficult for me and I have ended up in tears the past two weeks. Last week, it was doing laundry that set off the anxiety; the week before, it was the ongoing challenges with my EI claim (that have since been resolved, thankfully).
On top of the "normal" COVID-19 stress of doing laundry in a communal laundry facility, the laundry room was busier than normal on a Tuesday morning and it was harder to keep a safe distance from other people. I ended up spending a lot of time waiting for other people to finish what they were doing. And then someone else touched my clean laundry... I normally don't like it when people do that, but I apparently really don't like it now!
I know that it wasn't just that one incident, although it certainly didn't help and was probably the final trigger. It was also the stress that goes along with disinfecting what I'm going to touch in the laundry room, washing my hands before and after each trip downstairs, being extremely careful with handling our elderly neighbor's laundry and trying to figure out what we were going to do to help her strip and re-make her bed, knowing that Hal was going back to work and that the daily routine to keep our own home safe was beginning yet again, and wanting to make sure that the elderly neighbors that we are helping are kept safe and healthy and that we don't put them at risk by even our very limited and careful contact with them.
I could feel the anxiety mounting and my eyes welling up with tears. As the tears started to fall, I went into the kitchen and asked Hal if he could pray for me. He took one look at me, immediately dropped what he was doing, took me into the bedroom, sat me down on the bed and asked me what was wrong. While sobbing, I told him everything that was weighing so heavily on me. He prayed for me and, while he was praying, peace came over me and I calmed down. I managed to finish the laundry, figure out a safe way (I really hope) to help our neighbor re-make her bed, and have a shower before I collapsed on our bed, totally exhausted.
I had a FaceTime call with two friends the day after and I recounted to them the events of Tuesday. One friend didn't understand, but the other one did get just how real the battle is and suggested a resource to help me deal with the anxiety. She then made the comment that mental health issues are going to be the next epidemic that results from the pandemic. The battle is indeed real and heavy, for a lot of people and for a lot of different reasons, and I am starting to realize just how real it is for me, especially on Tuesdays.
I must admit that I am rather envious these days of people who live in houses (with private access and yards and laundry rooms) and who own a car (so they don't have to take public transit or totally disinfect a car-sharing vehicle before driving it).
It's really hard not even feeling safe in parts of the building that you call your home, like in the laundry room or the elevator. (The other communal areas of our building, like the lobby, gym and pool, are all closed until further notice.) Our apartment building has two elevators, but waiting for an empty one can sometimes take a long time these days because everyone who lives in the building is gracious and cautious enough to only let one person (or household) into an elevator at a time. That sometimes means letting the doors open and close 3 or 4 times before an elevator comes that is finally empty.
Someone was coughing in an elevator the other day. The concierge heard about it, so he promptly blocked and fully disinfected that elevator. The elevators already have to be disinfected 3 or 4 times every day. I am very thankful for how hard our concierge works to keep the building clean and how conscientious he is for everyone's safety, but I still don't like no longer feeling totally safe in this building.
I am also envious of people who don't have to leave their houses except to go grocery shopping (and some people don't even do that and have everything delivered instead) or go outside for fresh air and exercise.
Hal told me when he got home from work one day last week that it is now required for all staff members who work at that Pharmaprix (and probably all Pharmaprix stores) to wear a face shield while working. He said that it's uncomfortable and awkward, but it does make me feel a bit better that he is required to wear it. The store has supplied the necessary products so that the staff can properly disinfect their face shields before and after every shift. Working at a pharmacy is definitely a stressful job right now, but we are also very thankful that he has a job at a time when so many people are unemployed and unable to work.
Hal offered last Tuesday to call in sick so that he could stay at home with me, but I didn't want him to do that at the last minute. He has responsibilities every day that he goes to work so that the store stays a safe place for people to do their shopping and get their prescriptions. It's an essential service, so what he does at work is essential for our society. I know that someone else could do what he does, although he does do his job exceptionally well, but I also know that he looks forward to being able to interact with people while he's working. Hal is an extrovert, so staying home 24/7 would drive him absolutely crazy, which would probably threaten his mental health.
So, I guess it's a balancing act to maintain mental health for both of us. What I've experienced over the past two weeks has made me realize a few things: (1) my mental health is also essential, (2) this battle is not an illusion and is indeed very real, and (3) I need to find ways to deal with the stress and anxiety. I cannot change the external circumstances that are out of my control, but I can find ways that work for me to deal with it so that weekly attacks of anxiety do not become the norm in my life.
I heard the song "In Christ Alone" yesterday. The lyrics of the first verse just made me stop and listen, and listening to the song brought me so much peace. I found this version of the song later and love it.
On Monday, I am relaxed.
On Tuesday, my stress and anxiety levels increase sharply.
Tuesdays are becoming really difficult for me and I have ended up in tears the past two weeks. Last week, it was doing laundry that set off the anxiety; the week before, it was the ongoing challenges with my EI claim (that have since been resolved, thankfully).
On top of the "normal" COVID-19 stress of doing laundry in a communal laundry facility, the laundry room was busier than normal on a Tuesday morning and it was harder to keep a safe distance from other people. I ended up spending a lot of time waiting for other people to finish what they were doing. And then someone else touched my clean laundry... I normally don't like it when people do that, but I apparently really don't like it now!
I know that it wasn't just that one incident, although it certainly didn't help and was probably the final trigger. It was also the stress that goes along with disinfecting what I'm going to touch in the laundry room, washing my hands before and after each trip downstairs, being extremely careful with handling our elderly neighbor's laundry and trying to figure out what we were going to do to help her strip and re-make her bed, knowing that Hal was going back to work and that the daily routine to keep our own home safe was beginning yet again, and wanting to make sure that the elderly neighbors that we are helping are kept safe and healthy and that we don't put them at risk by even our very limited and careful contact with them.
I could feel the anxiety mounting and my eyes welling up with tears. As the tears started to fall, I went into the kitchen and asked Hal if he could pray for me. He took one look at me, immediately dropped what he was doing, took me into the bedroom, sat me down on the bed and asked me what was wrong. While sobbing, I told him everything that was weighing so heavily on me. He prayed for me and, while he was praying, peace came over me and I calmed down. I managed to finish the laundry, figure out a safe way (I really hope) to help our neighbor re-make her bed, and have a shower before I collapsed on our bed, totally exhausted.
I had a FaceTime call with two friends the day after and I recounted to them the events of Tuesday. One friend didn't understand, but the other one did get just how real the battle is and suggested a resource to help me deal with the anxiety. She then made the comment that mental health issues are going to be the next epidemic that results from the pandemic. The battle is indeed real and heavy, for a lot of people and for a lot of different reasons, and I am starting to realize just how real it is for me, especially on Tuesdays.
I must admit that I am rather envious these days of people who live in houses (with private access and yards and laundry rooms) and who own a car (so they don't have to take public transit or totally disinfect a car-sharing vehicle before driving it).
It's really hard not even feeling safe in parts of the building that you call your home, like in the laundry room or the elevator. (The other communal areas of our building, like the lobby, gym and pool, are all closed until further notice.) Our apartment building has two elevators, but waiting for an empty one can sometimes take a long time these days because everyone who lives in the building is gracious and cautious enough to only let one person (or household) into an elevator at a time. That sometimes means letting the doors open and close 3 or 4 times before an elevator comes that is finally empty.
Someone was coughing in an elevator the other day. The concierge heard about it, so he promptly blocked and fully disinfected that elevator. The elevators already have to be disinfected 3 or 4 times every day. I am very thankful for how hard our concierge works to keep the building clean and how conscientious he is for everyone's safety, but I still don't like no longer feeling totally safe in this building.
I am also envious of people who don't have to leave their houses except to go grocery shopping (and some people don't even do that and have everything delivered instead) or go outside for fresh air and exercise.
Hal told me when he got home from work one day last week that it is now required for all staff members who work at that Pharmaprix (and probably all Pharmaprix stores) to wear a face shield while working. He said that it's uncomfortable and awkward, but it does make me feel a bit better that he is required to wear it. The store has supplied the necessary products so that the staff can properly disinfect their face shields before and after every shift. Working at a pharmacy is definitely a stressful job right now, but we are also very thankful that he has a job at a time when so many people are unemployed and unable to work.Hal offered last Tuesday to call in sick so that he could stay at home with me, but I didn't want him to do that at the last minute. He has responsibilities every day that he goes to work so that the store stays a safe place for people to do their shopping and get their prescriptions. It's an essential service, so what he does at work is essential for our society. I know that someone else could do what he does, although he does do his job exceptionally well, but I also know that he looks forward to being able to interact with people while he's working. Hal is an extrovert, so staying home 24/7 would drive him absolutely crazy, which would probably threaten his mental health.
So, I guess it's a balancing act to maintain mental health for both of us. What I've experienced over the past two weeks has made me realize a few things: (1) my mental health is also essential, (2) this battle is not an illusion and is indeed very real, and (3) I need to find ways to deal with the stress and anxiety. I cannot change the external circumstances that are out of my control, but I can find ways that work for me to deal with it so that weekly attacks of anxiety do not become the norm in my life.
I heard the song "In Christ Alone" yesterday. The lyrics of the first verse just made me stop and listen, and listening to the song brought me so much peace. I found this version of the song later and love it.
In Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song,
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease,
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
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