Dishes in the dark at twelve o'clock

I've discovered recently that I really enjoy doing dishes in the evening after we've put Belle to bed and the apartment is quiet. I turn off the main light in the kitchen and turn on the light in the range hood above the stove. It's almost like doing dishes in candlelight and it's actually really peaceful. I wash and rinse the dishes and then clean up the rest of the kitchen while letting my mind wander and reflect. I never really liked doing the dishes, but now it's become an almost meditative moment in my day.

Hal walked into the kitchen one evening while I was doing the dishes and asked me why I was doing dishes in the dark at midnight. I don't always do the dishes quite that late in the evening, but that just happened to be when I got to them that particular evening. I laughed and explained, and then Hal said it could be the title of my next blog post... "dishes in the dark at twelve o'clock". As I continued washing the dishes and thought about it I realized that could work, so here I am sitting on our balcony while Hal is at work, enjoying the sun and a gin & tonic, and writing this blog post.

I started thinking about where my mind goes in all that wandering and reflecting while I am doing the dishes and I realized that there is often a recurring theme.

Even before the pandemic began, Hal and I had begun talking about the type of life we wanted to live in the future. The job that I had for the past eight years, and which ended on January 31, had always been an extremely busy, demanding and stressful job, but that increased even more in the last year and a half, since the Fall of 2018. I often worked long hours and came home late, or worked from home in the evenings. The concept of work-life balance was something that was often simply given lip service, but I'm not sure that anyone was actually able to maintain it.

I was really thankful that my contract was coming to an end and I was looking forward to taking a break to rest and relax and recharge, and also to take some time to think about the future and what I wanted to do next. I definitely wasn't expecting a pandemic to hit our entire world and for quarantine, lockdown, social distancing, hand sanitizer and face masks (and everything else we are living through) to become the new norms and vocabulary for this period of our lives. Nor was I anticipating the intense struggles with insomnia and anxiety that would try to take over my life (and Hal's, for that matter, since my struggles ended up affecting him as well).

By the way, I'm doing much better these days in terms of the anxiety. Writing the blog post about the difference between Monday and Tuesday was cathartic and a source of freedom for me. I was really scared to post what I had written and to admit my struggles to whoever happened to read it, but writing and posting it was the best thing that I could have done. In verbalizing my struggles and making them public, I took power away from them. Instead of having an anxiety attack the next Tuesday, or any of the following Tuesdays since then, I was able to give myself grace, to take one moment at a time throughout the day and not get overwhelmed by what the entire week would hold, to stop and take deep breaths when I needed to, and to see it all in a different perspective. I still have insomnia, but recently bought a YnM weighted blanket, "the blanket that feels like a hug" (that's their advertising slogan and it is true... it does feel like a comforting full-body hug). I just started using it on Tuesday, so I'm still getting used to it, but it does seem to be having a positive impact on my quality of sleep.

Anyways, even before the pandemic and in light of the sheer craziness of our lives for the past year and a half, Hal and I were already having conversations about the future and what type of life we wanted to live, what we wanted to place value on, how and with whom we wanted to spend our time, etc. I was recovering from the intense fatigue that had resulted from my job and we were trying to take care of some things that had been on the back burner for far too long.

Then the pandemic was declared. I remember that day so clearly. We were on our way out the door very early that morning to go to a medical appointment for Hal. I grabbed the paper from the floor outside our door, looked at the headlines, and felt this horrible heaviness come over me. The WHO had actually declared the pandemic the day before, but we hadn't heard the news yet. The clinic where Hal had his appointment is in a hospital, so we were greeted at the door by volunteers instructing us to take hand sanitizer. There was hand sanitizer literally everywhere (even more than in the past). Some people were already wearing masks. The lines were long and the waiting rooms were crammed full of people with their eyes glued to the televisions that were continuously spewing news on the progress and impact of the virus to date around the world.

I so clearly remember the heaviness that I felt when I looked at the headlines on that newspaper, but I had no clue what was coming, what the months ahead would look like for our city, province, country, continent and world, and that my plans for those months would be abruptly and drastically changed.

The Tuesday that I had the anxiety attack about the laundry was also the day that Hal and I started having even more conversations and asking ourselves even more questions about the future. I can't remember exactly what Hal said to me after he prayed for me while we were sitting on the bed, but it was something related to considering even more carefully our decisions for the future and making sure that we take care of each other along the journey.

So, where are our priorities going to be post-pandemic? I think about a lot of things while I am doing the dishes, but I keep coming back to that question and those reflections. As a friend of mine put into words so well in a recent conversation, the pandemic has brought on moments of introspection and internal dialogue for so many people.

We haven't really made any life-changing decisions yet (although the new Bissell vacuum that we recently bought is so amazing that Hal told me the other day that he actually enjoys vacuuming now 😂 ), but our values are slowly changing, in good and healthy directions. Who knows, those life-changing decisions may be just around the corner, a couple of blocks away, or miles ahead down the road of life. In the meantime, the pandemic is turning out to be a catalyst for reflection and change in our lives.