The death of a loved one and the grief that goes along with the loss represent an incomprehensible and intense part of life for those who are still on earth... for me anyways, as I have experienced it over the last few weeks.
My grandma's funeral was this past Saturday. The service in honor of her life was very beautiful and moving. The words shared in her memory were incredibly touching and all the tears shed testify to how deeply she touched everyone's lives and how much she is missed. Today, we went to the cemetery to bury her ashes in the family plot. As I was standing next to my mom and my aunt, staring at the urn while the prayers were being said, my mind was desperately trying to grasp the reality that that is all that is left of my grandma in a physical sense. The words "ashes to ashes and dust to dust" took on a whole new meaning for me today.
On this earth, I will never again hear her voice or laugh with her or have the conversations that I only had with her. She will never see the things come to pass in my life that she so wanted for me. The memory of her and her life will always live on, but that is it. My mind is still trying to grasp that reality.
This morning, after the prayers and final words had been said and the dirt was being shoveled back into ground, eventually completely covering the urn, I just felt weird... in a way like each shovelful of dirt was a stab in my heart and in another way like it couldn't actually be real.
For the first time in my life, I just lost someone who was really close to me. I don't understand what I feel or how to deal with it... it's just there and really intensely painful.
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