I think that I had a bad day today. The details are not necessary, but I was standing in a metro station at about 6:15 pm today waiting for a train with tears welling up in my eyes... definitely the result of a bad day. As I was standing there alone, pouring my heart out to God (silently so as not to look crazy), and trying not to actually cry, I stopped praying and simply asked Him to say something... anything. All He said was "do you trust Me?" to which I responded "yes, Lord, I trust You." That was it, but that was all I needed.
Trust... A reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person; a confident expectation of something; hope; a person on whom one relies; to rely upon or place confidence in someone; to have trust or confidence in; to rely or depend on; to believe; to expect confidently.
It's only a five letter word yet it's meaning and the implications for my life are tremendous. The situation might seem chaotic to me, beyond what I can handle, uncomfortable, frustrating... you get my point... yet do I trust God, that He is still in control and has in fact put me in the situation for a purpose? Giving up is not an option, so will I choose to trust and persevere?
Yet again, I feel broken. Thankfully, brokenness is designed to take me back to the foot of the cross and into the presence of God.
I wrote this sentence earlier tonight... "What a beautiful thing to learn to embrace humility and brokenness and not see it as weakness but strength... as the hand of God working masterfully in my life so that He may be glorified through it all." A simple word that God spoke to me last week was the word "surrender".
God reminded me a few hours ago of something I had prayed not long ago. In a place of deep intimacy with the Lord, I had prayed that I would not lose that intimacy, or the humilty and brokenness that brought me to it. The intimacy is beautiful, yet it comes with a cost. In the midst of the struggle to let go, have you ever questioned whether it is really worth the cost? I have momentarily, but then... what can possibly compare with being in the presence of Jesus Christ, seeing His face, hearing His voice, loving Him and being loved back... speechless, breathless, and captivated all at the same time? I'd have to say absolutely nothing.
The Bible talks about laying down our lives and dying to self, that God wants a people who are wholly devoted to Him. That may or may not mean literally giving up your life for Him, so what else does it include? I could rattle off a list, but the reality of it is more personal than can be put into words that can be written and read in just a sentence or two.
A little while ago, I read this in "Always Enough" by Rolland and Heidi Baker (yes, I'm still reading it... I guess I'm a slow reader)...
"He is our only hope. He is our Lord. Our faith is in Him. We are baptized into Him. We lay down our lives. We die to ourselves in baptism. We are raised new creations in Christ. God is calling each of us to walk in the mercy and grace He has given us. He prepares us for works of service. Do we see what He sees? Do we feel what He feels? Can we hear the cry of His heart for the lost? This is poverty of spirit. God is calling us to be poor in spirit. When we are poor in spirit, we no longer compete. We no longer jostle for titles. When we have no drive to be noticed and known, we are not offended by lack of attention. We find no satisfaction in ministry status. Then we can walk in unity, preferring others above ourselves. Our only desire is to live the life of a humble servant-lover of our Lord Jesus."
What else can I say? The events of a bad day seem insignificant in the light of what God wants to do in me through those events...
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